It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize