How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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