Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
