Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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