walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
