I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize