At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
