i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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