omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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