i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
