I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
