Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
