I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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