I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize