my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Randomize
