I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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