Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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