I'm so fucking centered right now
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
