sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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