So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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