I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
