dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize