Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
