you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
