I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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