It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
