My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
