then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
it's not cheating when I paid for it
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
