Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
