It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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