Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
