Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
