she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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