Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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