What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
she pinky promised me she was 18
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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