There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
