Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
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