**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
