i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize