My liver just broke up with me...
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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