I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
