I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
