i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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