By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
