I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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