My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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