i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
