My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
