EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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