I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize