All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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