I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
birth control should be required to get into college
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I was not drunk enough for that final.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
