Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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