you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
