he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
