Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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