i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
