My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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